According to the latest FBI Uniform Crime Reporting Statistics on property crime rates, There are roughly 2.5 million burglaries in America each year, 66% of which are home break-ins.
Fact: There are 1,495,790 burglaries during the day each year. Break-ins are 6% more likely to occur during the day between 6 am and 6 pm while people are at work or running errands.
H&N Pro-Tip: Work from home and never leave the safety of your dwelling for anything less than a raging house fire. This will also keep you from contracting COVID-19.
It is important to remember, however, that if you die of a sudden health emergency or suffer a critical injury, no one is likely to notice and call the proper authorities until well after your corpse has begun to rot. By the time they find you, your face will be permanently stuck to the carpet. Therefore, it is absolutely essential that you set aside adequate funds for the makeup artists at your local mortuary to transform your former face into something somewhat presentable and “funeral ready.”
Fact: 1,324,090 annual burglaries occur at night. The cover of night provides security for intruders while increasing the odds that you’ll be home when the burglary occurs.
H&N Pro-Tip: Avoid sleeping at night or sleep in rotating shifts like the Navy Seals. During your “awake and on-duty” shift, sit calmly at the top of your staircase with an AR-15 draped across your lap. Fire indiscriminately in the general direction of any and all sounds you encounter or movements you detect. It’s far better to lose a few beloved pets to “friendly fire” than to risk becoming a victim of a crime.
Fact: Snow and cold are a significant deterrent to would-be burglars.
H&N Pro-Tip: Sell your home and move to a region of the country in which the average annual outdoor temperature is below freezing. Always keep your indoor thermostat at a comfortable 45 degrees Fahrenheit.
Consider purchasing an artificial snow machine for indoor use. Your kids will love the fun of indoor sledding and snowball fights, and you’ll feel good as a parent with the added peace of mind that your furniture and electronics are extra secure from would-be thieves.
Fact: Homes without a security system are 300% more likely to be burglarized.
H&N Pro-Tip: This “fact” has sold more overpriced alarm systems to paranoid homeowners in America than any other crime statistic. On a budget? Buy the stickers and yard signs and skip the cost of a full security system install. For added security, tell your friends, family, neighbors, and every single random stranger you make eye-contact with you “own a gun” and have “lots of ammunition” – even if you don’t.
Fact: 95% of all home invasions require some sort of forceful entry, be that breaking a window, picking a lock, or kicking in a door.
H&N Pro-Tip: Use thick layers of concrete to seal-off and eliminate any and all points of entry into your home with the exception of a medium-sized doggy door. Booby trap door with crude, homemade explosives that can only be dismantled via an overly-complex and hard-to-remember series of steps that cannot be completed in less than an hour. Properly plan for house fires by making them more likely to occur in an area of the home that is as far away from your only viable point of exit as possible.
Unique Scenarios to Consider:
Some homeowners are interested in something more substantial than just protecting their family and valuable “Precious Moments” figurines from theft.
Perhaps, for example, you’re interested in guarding your home against unwanted intruders while simultaneously pissing them. If so, friend, Hammer and Nigel are here to help!
Most Obvious Places a Burglar is Likely to Find Your Spare Key:
- Under your welcome mat.
- Under a flower pot near the front door.
- Inside a poorly placed fake rock.
- Above the door frame.
- Your wallet.
- Put jumbo-sized plastic keys that are made for toddlers in all five of those places.
- Keep actual spare key to your home in your anal cavity. While this is likely to be extremely uncomfortable at all times, it’s the only sensible way to ensure your spare key remains in your personal possession at all times.
Want to get back at your inconsiderate neighbor who never mows his grass, borrows your tools without returning them, and frequently allows his dog to crap in your yard?
Acquire a spare key to his home by whatever means necessary, make multiple copies of it, and place THAT key under your doormat instead with a note that tells thieves what time your neighbor generally gets home from work each day.
Continuing Education: Click the link below for more “Hammer and Nigel Pro-Tips for Home Security.”